Motherhood was nothing like i had imagined! from an abusive relationship during the first months of my pregnancy with my first child, to worrying constantly through stresses that came from consequences of staying in that relationship, pregnancy was nothing like i planned! but it was also everything i had expected as well. but all wrapped up in one. to say the least, most of my pregnancies were not happy. i mean don't get me wrong they had great times...watching my body change, feeling movements and doctor visits were the highlights before giving birth ( which btw were the three most amazing experiences of my life!) but everything i went through made me miserable, stressed to the max and wishing i had made different decisions in my life before becoming a mother. but i guess everything comes to bite you in the but eventually. and in my 4th of pregnancy with my first child it did!
to those of you who know what went on in my life. kudos to you for being there through it all and having my back. to those of you who have no clue what has went on. just know that i hope none of you out there who actually care about yourselves and children ever have to experience it! nuff said. ( yes I know you are dying to know)
now, anxiety wasn't new for me at all. i can still remember being a little girl and fearing the little things like for example, swallowing a pill... i just couldn't do it for fear of choking, or eating at a seafood restaurant, knowing that my grandmother had an allergy to seafood ( and hearing her openly let everyone around know) made me freak out and think i would too have that reaction. and as funny as this sounds to those of you who have never dealt with anxiety/panic attacks, i would "feel" like i was smothering after eating there. even if no seafood had touched me! looking back i know now that i have things under control that it was all in my head. anywho anxiety has never been a new thing to me i could shrug it off within a few short minutes and be just fine. back to myself and no worries. but after all of this started ( back at the start of my first pregnancy) it all came falling down.
let me describe it to you like i read it on "mommyfriends" blog... picture yourself standing at the shoreline all your life. playing in low tides. sure, every once in a while a strong tide would come in. but not once would you loose contact with the receding sea beneath your feet. and then suddenly on the most regular day, as you are doing the same thing you always do, a high tide comes in and sweeps you off your feet and drags you head first under water! you are struggling, and struggling looking for the surface of the water, to catch a breath and get out alive. if only you could catch your breath! and make it out! heart racing, panic in full swing!
so, these so called "tidal waves" became more frequent. and lasting longer and longer. after they were over i found my self saddened. but it felt much better than the feeling of sheer panic!
knowing what caused all of this, being stupid and putting myself into the situation at hand now made me feel like a sucker! stupid to think that being around people of that nature and thinking thinking i loved this guy was the biggest mistake i have ever made. bottom line to date the worst decision of my entire life.
so, i sat and thought to myself. where is the joy of motherhood? why can i not just snap myself out of this? i cant enjoy anything. my kids are loosing out because all mommy wants to do is set in her room and keep the kids by my side. all because if she goes or does anything else her anxiety gets all out of whack! grocery shopping was out of the question, cooking was out of the question, going outside to let the kids play was going to be a miracle. bathing seemed like it was just making me either to hot, or making my heart race. every little thing that i used to take for granted was so difficult to do daily.
so, after a few moths of battling it i went to the doctor to see what was wrong with my body. ( thinking that i was sick) i walked in fearing the worst! i was dying of something awful, and walked out with antidepressants! thinking to myself great now i'm one of "those moms" the "medicated kind"
my husband was and has been super supportive though everything in my life. he done his best as a man... (lol) to help me and still hold himself together while his wife was moody, withdrawn, hateful, didn't cook, didn't clean, and laid on her butt all day long. he fixed food for all of us in the evenings and came home on lunch to help with the kids then. he has dropped what he was doing to come to my "rescue" when i felt as if i just wanted to set down and pull my hair out, or run out into the street screaming to the world. all the while all he was trying to do was to get his wife back to "normal"
you see the funny thing about my battle with anxiety/panic was that i was very aware of how hurtful this was to everyone around me and i was aware of what my kids were loosing out on. the thing of it was i couldn't do anything to pull myself up! its like you know you need to break free and you just can't! its like seeing the finish line and not being able to move your foot that one extra step to cross it! it is horrible to look through the "dirty window" of your life and not be able to clean it!
so now with that my medicine has begun to work. little by little. i can feel the bondage of things turning loose. little by little i'm doing more and more. i have ore energy, i am calling people just to talk again and i'm letting go and laughing so hard my stomach hurts again! and it feels good. i have a little ways yet to go but gosh do i feel the burden lifting off my shoulders so much more every day.
now, i am no longer ashamed of having to be placed on medication to bring me "back to life" and realize that talking about it and supporting others with the same problem is very important. i have realized what amazing children i have (mor so than the normal loving caring mom! I mean i always knew theynwere amazing, don't take me wrong) and what an awesome, loving , supportive husband i have as well. and for all of that i thank god! my prayers have been answered in more than one way. and i have seen with this depressing time in my life just how lucky i am to have my family and friends. it has truly been an eye opener.
feel free to leave a comment or to reach out if you are struggling with this horrible "unseen" disease. depression can kill you and take everything you once had away and never give it back. the time is now. don't wait. and for those of you who have never struggled with this. don't wait to lend a helping hand to those who struggle. you never know how much a friend can help!